So this whole "A.S. on the prowl" challenge I've given myself has turned out to be one of epic failure. I was off yesterday and what did I do? Mostly laying in bed, in and out of consciousness, watching Netflix on my laptop.
*facepalm*
What am I ever going to do with myself?
I should have ventured out somewhere just to be out of the house and maybe check out eye-candy, but I didn't. I'm that socially stupid. All the booksmarts in the world couldn't help me there.
It doesn't help that today wasn't the best of days. From the second I turned into the parking lot of work, it was destined to be a failure of a day.
It's a good thing I have a strong will and great ethics behind me, not to mention a best friend willing to roll out of bed and come over with a movie and greasy food and wine.
One day, I won't be scared. And one day, if I try hard enough, I'll get everything I want in life.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Where Does The Love Go?
No matter how many great loves you have in your life, if you've had more than one, you've had to let the past ones go (whether or not it was mutual, peaceful, or the complete opposite). So that raises my question: Where does the love go?
I've had a few great loves in my dating life.
I have let so many people in and loved so much...but I'm talking about great loves- the ones that I thought I couldn't live without, the ones that I still think of fondly, even if they broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces that I had to spend what seemed like forever picking up. Where did all that love and devotion go?
Maybe a story for clarification. Or just for the sake of telling a story...
My first great love I met when I was in my late teens, maybe at twenty...the kicker is that we never dated. I was actually in another relationship when I realized that I had feelings for, well, we'll call him The Man With the Broken Watch. We had this mutual attraction to each other and I've been thinking of him ever since. There were times where he and I got close to dating exclusively, very close, but it never happened. We had gone on dates, had our random hanging out moments, but either the timing wasn't right or...something. There was always something. But I really was in love with him at some point, I still love him, and I still think fondly of him but I don't think anything would happen between us again. I'm over the waiting and the confusion, I think it just saddens me to wait and I'm just scared of what may happen if I opened up to him again. And maybe we're just too passive for each other. That love, though, where did it go? I wholeheartedly believe that it has manifested itself into a kind of love and affection as one would have for a dear friend. I mean, if he were to want to have lunch one day, I'd go and carry with me the memories of that great, albeit unsatisfied, love we had over the years. Anything beyond that? It scares me a little to think about it.
Does it make a little more sense now?
I have had two great loves since then, at ages 22 and 24, both actual relationships, and both equally as heartbreaking. The first was definitely unexpected and he hurt me beyond any hurt I had ever felt before. I can still recall the day it happened like it was yesterday. But through all the hurt, I still talk to him and I still want him in my life. I remind myself every day why we didn't and will never work out, but I still remember the love that we shared. My last great love actually ended just a little over six months ago. Everything seemed perfect and beautiful, and I believe that it could have stayed that way. I broke up with him because I expected a little too much. I don't regret it, but I definitely felt bad about it. And no matter what he's doing right now or where he is, I will always remember him and I will always remember the smile he put on my face. Both of these guys I pictured spending the rest of my life with, couldn't even fathom where I would be without them at the time, but there are some things that just aren't meant to be.
Where did all that love go?
It's a good question. It's my question. But I don't really know the answer. Like I said, it could have manifested itself into another kind of love and affection. I might subconsciously just be repressing it. I don't really know. But what I do know...that love doesn't just go away.
These men in my life will always have a special place in my heart.
And in the end, that's what makes them great loves.
I've had a few great loves in my dating life.
I have let so many people in and loved so much...but I'm talking about great loves- the ones that I thought I couldn't live without, the ones that I still think of fondly, even if they broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces that I had to spend what seemed like forever picking up. Where did all that love and devotion go?
Maybe a story for clarification. Or just for the sake of telling a story...
My first great love I met when I was in my late teens, maybe at twenty...the kicker is that we never dated. I was actually in another relationship when I realized that I had feelings for, well, we'll call him The Man With the Broken Watch. We had this mutual attraction to each other and I've been thinking of him ever since. There were times where he and I got close to dating exclusively, very close, but it never happened. We had gone on dates, had our random hanging out moments, but either the timing wasn't right or...something. There was always something. But I really was in love with him at some point, I still love him, and I still think fondly of him but I don't think anything would happen between us again. I'm over the waiting and the confusion, I think it just saddens me to wait and I'm just scared of what may happen if I opened up to him again. And maybe we're just too passive for each other. That love, though, where did it go? I wholeheartedly believe that it has manifested itself into a kind of love and affection as one would have for a dear friend. I mean, if he were to want to have lunch one day, I'd go and carry with me the memories of that great, albeit unsatisfied, love we had over the years. Anything beyond that? It scares me a little to think about it.
Does it make a little more sense now?
I have had two great loves since then, at ages 22 and 24, both actual relationships, and both equally as heartbreaking. The first was definitely unexpected and he hurt me beyond any hurt I had ever felt before. I can still recall the day it happened like it was yesterday. But through all the hurt, I still talk to him and I still want him in my life. I remind myself every day why we didn't and will never work out, but I still remember the love that we shared. My last great love actually ended just a little over six months ago. Everything seemed perfect and beautiful, and I believe that it could have stayed that way. I broke up with him because I expected a little too much. I don't regret it, but I definitely felt bad about it. And no matter what he's doing right now or where he is, I will always remember him and I will always remember the smile he put on my face. Both of these guys I pictured spending the rest of my life with, couldn't even fathom where I would be without them at the time, but there are some things that just aren't meant to be.
Where did all that love go?
It's a good question. It's my question. But I don't really know the answer. Like I said, it could have manifested itself into another kind of love and affection. I might subconsciously just be repressing it. I don't really know. But what I do know...that love doesn't just go away.
These men in my life will always have a special place in my heart.
And in the end, that's what makes them great loves.
Monday, August 16, 2010
What Are You Looking At?
One fine day in 2008, I was actually home in Las Vegas and not traveling extensively or working some ridiculous overnight shift. Great feeling. I decided to go to a bookstore and get some coffee and look through some medical books. Yes, I'm that nerd.
Everything was fine and dandy and I spotted someone rather fine and dandy. Being the shy girl, I naturally didn't say hi or anything, so instead I stuck my head into a pile of anatomy books. I knocked something over and nearly spilled my latte everywhere (thank goodness I didn't, I was not financially prepared to pay for $150 of coffee-damaged books) and he came up and helped me pick the books up. We actually talked, exchanged names, had a laugh, and within 10 minutes, I had a phone number and so did he. Great. What the hell do I do with that?
For a couple of days, we texted each other back and forth with small talk and witty remarks. He asked me out on a real date...dinner. Oh dear Lord, really? This would be the first real date I would have in months. I accepted and we met up at a cafe later that night. He was just as cute as I had remembered.
We were seated and had ordered and the real conversation began. I have a habit of looking past the person I am talking to or off to the side when I don't know them too well. Eye contact freaks me out sometimes. I know, I'm weird, we got that. But that's what I did was look away or kind of stare off to the side most of the time we talked. A few minutes into our conversation, he noticed what I was doing and he asked, "Does my glass eye make you uncomfortable?" I'm sorry, excuse me, whaaaaat??? I had no idea. Well, no idea until you told me! So the rest of the night was awkward for me because all I could think of was his glass eye. We ate, talked, and ended the night with a walk to my car and a hug. Sweet guy.
Look, I'm not an excessively shallow person, so it's not his physical appearance or the fact that he had a glass eye that turned me off. And his personality was great. He was funny and smart and witty...a winner if I ever saw one. It was me that ruined it. My dirty mind and my presumptions and my stupid imagination. All I could think about at this point after the discovery of the glass eye was, "What if we have sex and his eye pops out?" Yes, there's something seriously wrong with me.
We continued to text back and forth, but never went on another date. And that wasn't really all my fault or choice. I probably would have gone on another date with him, maybe that would have eased the eye thing...but alas, work decided it was going to put me on pretty much a month and a half of straight overnight shifts. But I guess if I really wanted it to work, I would have...but I doubt it changes the fact that something was seriously wrong with me to think of that.
It doesn't help that my friends think like I do. A year and a half later, I told my best friend Silvia about this guy. She said pretty much the exact same thing I thought. When she confirmed that thought, I decided that I will probably never meet a normal person ever again as punishment...and so far, that's holding true.
Everything was fine and dandy and I spotted someone rather fine and dandy. Being the shy girl, I naturally didn't say hi or anything, so instead I stuck my head into a pile of anatomy books. I knocked something over and nearly spilled my latte everywhere (thank goodness I didn't, I was not financially prepared to pay for $150 of coffee-damaged books) and he came up and helped me pick the books up. We actually talked, exchanged names, had a laugh, and within 10 minutes, I had a phone number and so did he. Great. What the hell do I do with that?
For a couple of days, we texted each other back and forth with small talk and witty remarks. He asked me out on a real date...dinner. Oh dear Lord, really? This would be the first real date I would have in months. I accepted and we met up at a cafe later that night. He was just as cute as I had remembered.
We were seated and had ordered and the real conversation began. I have a habit of looking past the person I am talking to or off to the side when I don't know them too well. Eye contact freaks me out sometimes. I know, I'm weird, we got that. But that's what I did was look away or kind of stare off to the side most of the time we talked. A few minutes into our conversation, he noticed what I was doing and he asked, "Does my glass eye make you uncomfortable?" I'm sorry, excuse me, whaaaaat??? I had no idea. Well, no idea until you told me! So the rest of the night was awkward for me because all I could think of was his glass eye. We ate, talked, and ended the night with a walk to my car and a hug. Sweet guy.
Look, I'm not an excessively shallow person, so it's not his physical appearance or the fact that he had a glass eye that turned me off. And his personality was great. He was funny and smart and witty...a winner if I ever saw one. It was me that ruined it. My dirty mind and my presumptions and my stupid imagination. All I could think about at this point after the discovery of the glass eye was, "What if we have sex and his eye pops out?" Yes, there's something seriously wrong with me.
We continued to text back and forth, but never went on another date. And that wasn't really all my fault or choice. I probably would have gone on another date with him, maybe that would have eased the eye thing...but alas, work decided it was going to put me on pretty much a month and a half of straight overnight shifts. But I guess if I really wanted it to work, I would have...but I doubt it changes the fact that something was seriously wrong with me to think of that.
It doesn't help that my friends think like I do. A year and a half later, I told my best friend Silvia about this guy. She said pretty much the exact same thing I thought. When she confirmed that thought, I decided that I will probably never meet a normal person ever again as punishment...and so far, that's holding true.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
So last night, while my friends were either at 80s Night all the way across town or sleeping, I decided to run an errand and then go to a bar...alone. It was probably the scariest social experience of my life. I had never flown solo into a bar and now I know why.
It wasn't a bad bar. In fact, I had been there before. It wasn't particularly busy, but just wasn't something right about it. I may have spent only an hour there, sitting, drinking, talking to the bartender...but it felt like an eternity and I just wanted it to end. So it ended. Nothing awesome or spectacular, as the neighborhood bar usually is not so super awesome and spectacular. I think it was just the fact that I'm in my mid-20s and I was drinking alone at a bar whose few occupants other than the bartender could have easily been my father's age. Maybe I do need someone by my side to show me the way...
It wasn't a bad bar. In fact, I had been there before. It wasn't particularly busy, but just wasn't something right about it. I may have spent only an hour there, sitting, drinking, talking to the bartender...but it felt like an eternity and I just wanted it to end. So it ended. Nothing awesome or spectacular, as the neighborhood bar usually is not so super awesome and spectacular. I think it was just the fact that I'm in my mid-20s and I was drinking alone at a bar whose few occupants other than the bartender could have easily been my father's age. Maybe I do need someone by my side to show me the way...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Intro.
Is it possible to meet the love of your life, your soulmate even, in a city that's known for having no soul?
I'm almost 26 years old, and right now, I don't think it's possible. Is it because I'm too cynical? Maybe. Too socially awkward? Meh. Too freakin' awesome? Well, duh. Too damn picky for my own good? For sure. I don't know. But what I do know...I've gone on some dating (mis)adventures in the past few years. It's all funny...to me, anyway...now.
Seriously, I'm not the one to believe in "the one" and that's not what I'm looking for. Sure, I'd like to get married, settle down, and possibly have kids someday (although even my own mother has given up on the fact that I'll ever reproduce)...but right now, I just want to be comfortable with someone...a long-term relationship with a commitment to each other. I don't need a ring or anything like that, just some company...and maybe some sex (hey, while we're being honest here...). I do want to fall in love again; it's the best feeling in the world next to being in love. I'm one of those people who runs off of that contentedness of just being.
The catch?
I live in Las Vegas the city with, coincidentally, not only pretty bad odds of winning Megabucks, but also the worst odds of finding a halfway decent human being to interact with.
To combat my slight social anxiety and possibly find someone interesting to keep my time, I have decided to challenge myself. The challenge? Go out at least once a week on my own (no wingmen involved) to try to meet guys and possibly score a date. It seems easy enough for the normal human being, but like I said, I have a slight social anxiety and I'm shy beyond belief when it comes to new people and places.
In between these little events I will put myself through, I'll blog about some of my past dating mishaps, as I had said...they're funny (some of them really, really funny).
Let's see how this works out, if it does, shall we?
Until next time,
A.S.
I'm almost 26 years old, and right now, I don't think it's possible. Is it because I'm too cynical? Maybe. Too socially awkward? Meh. Too freakin' awesome? Well, duh. Too damn picky for my own good? For sure. I don't know. But what I do know...I've gone on some dating (mis)adventures in the past few years. It's all funny...to me, anyway...now.
Seriously, I'm not the one to believe in "the one" and that's not what I'm looking for. Sure, I'd like to get married, settle down, and possibly have kids someday (although even my own mother has given up on the fact that I'll ever reproduce)...but right now, I just want to be comfortable with someone...a long-term relationship with a commitment to each other. I don't need a ring or anything like that, just some company...and maybe some sex (hey, while we're being honest here...). I do want to fall in love again; it's the best feeling in the world next to being in love. I'm one of those people who runs off of that contentedness of just being.
The catch?
I live in Las Vegas the city with, coincidentally, not only pretty bad odds of winning Megabucks, but also the worst odds of finding a halfway decent human being to interact with.
To combat my slight social anxiety and possibly find someone interesting to keep my time, I have decided to challenge myself. The challenge? Go out at least once a week on my own (no wingmen involved) to try to meet guys and possibly score a date. It seems easy enough for the normal human being, but like I said, I have a slight social anxiety and I'm shy beyond belief when it comes to new people and places.
In between these little events I will put myself through, I'll blog about some of my past dating mishaps, as I had said...they're funny (some of them really, really funny).
Let's see how this works out, if it does, shall we?
Until next time,
A.S.
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