Great On Paper

For the past month, I was in pursuit of this guy I met online who lives in Kentucky. I took the leap of faith and went on vacation to visit him in Kentucky.

He's a wonderful, caring guy, and before I came out there, he was perfect. That's the thing about not meeting someone in the flesh: you never know what little intricacies come up that you're not prepared for. Physically, he was everything I thought he'd be. But once I got down to the finer details of his life, the more I questioned myself and my decision. A couple of weeks after I came home and stopped reeling from the rush of attention I got from him, I realized that he was great on paper, but he's not the guy I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I was not ready to make even the small sacrifices for him (like sacrificing a little bit of sleep so that I'd be able to talk to him on the phone when he got off of work, or just making the time to text him a little more often like I used to), and that wasn't fair to him.

I realize that I just pulled the same excuse that The Man With The Broken Watch gave me, I could do better than that excuse, but there is a certain validity to it.

It makes me wonder, though, is everyone great on paper until you get to know the real them?
In that case, does that mean I'm just too picky or that I know what I want and am not willing to sacrifice? Maybe a little of both? Definitely a little of both.

A Leap of Faith

Online dating.

That's probably one of the most daunting phrases that I've ever heard.

I've joined a couple of free dating sites with no luck at all, so I decided to take the jump into paying for it: I joined eHarmony. It kind of guided me through online dating and getting a feel for people that they've decided would be a good match for me.

I met a few people through this site (most of them who don't live in Vegas), and one of them I went on a couple of dates with...but no spark. None whatsoever. Good job, eHarmony.
After that experience and the recent conversation I had with The Man With The Broken Watch, I wanted to give up on dating...I just felt so defeated, kicked while I was down.

Then I received an email from eHarmony saying that a match requested communication with me through eHarmony mail. Sure, why not? I'm glad I decided to read it, though. I was amused and intrigued all at the same time. This guy was pretty cute and geeky...I'm definitely curious. We exchanged actual email addresses and eventually exchanged phone numbers. We've been texting and calling back and forth for a few days now. I have the most refreshing conversations with this guy. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

Over the past week, I've had the best conversations with this guy...I mean, ridiculous connection here.

There's always, always a "but" though.
He lives in Louisville, KY.

Really?
Of course this guy that I feel this instant click with over text and over phone conversations lives ridiculously far. I mean, why would life just throw me a bone? Pfft, it would be too easy.

Something this good can't be left behind. At least not until I learn a little more, right? It's worth looking into...right?

If there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that nothing in life worth having is ever really easy.
Am I willing to make this work? Hmmm.
I'm sure willing to try it out.
I am willing to take that leap of faith.
Bring it on.

The Book of Life

Ever since I was a little girl, I've envisioned life as a book that you're constantly writing. And when you die, that book ends.

 I continue to hope that when my book ends, my stories get retold over and over again so that I never die. At least not for a while.

Last night, a chapter in my book of life ended. It was a chapter that I was hoping to continue writing, but for the sake of those involved, it had to end...at least in the sense that it was intended to be written. I'm slightly heartbroken about it, but for as long as I am still alive, I must continue writing.

The Man With The Broken Watch and I had a very real, fairly serious, and much needed conversation last night. Granted, it was probably the worst conversation to have right after having watched a certain movie, as my emotions were already reeling, but it needed to happen sometime. Our watches were telling us that it was finally time to let go. It really was unfair to us both that I'm not able to let go of our past right now. Hopefully one day I'll learn to let all of that go...for my own sake...so that I could love someone without condition or fear, so that I could be loved without condition or fear. And because I couldn't let go, I couldn't let him in, at least not in the way I should have and could have. And because I couldn't let him in, I couldn't possibly be the one...the one that he woke up thinking about, the one he couldn't get out of his head, the one that encompassed every beautiful thought in his mind. And that's okay. I accept that.

I'm not saying that I wasn't upset by it. I wanted to see if it would work, but I was so ruled with fear...and that's just not fair to anyone. It hurt a little, but I don't blame him at all. It was mutual, it all made sense, but it still stings a little. We are, first and foremost, friends. And over the past couple of months, we have grown together as friends and will continue to do so. I think that knowing that I'm not writing that chapter anymore makes it harder to accept, but that feeling will go away once I pick up the pen and start writing for myself again.


It was a chapter in my life that was probably unnecessarily drawn out for far too long, but I'm glad that it panned out the way that it did. You love, you lose, and you move on.

And to you, sir, I am glad that we're moving forward...and with each other in our lives. You're watch isn't shattered, but had merely stopped, nothing that couldn't be fixed with time and care. You'll find someone someday that will care enough. You're totally worth it.

So what do you do when a chapter in your life ends?

Continue writing the rest of it...and make every chapter just as beautiful, thoughtful, and meaningful as the last.

The Best Date of My Life

Yesterday, I had he best date of my life. This person was funny, considerate, witty, and just pretty great in general.

Went out to Best Buy to hang around and try to find a movie to buy to watch (no luck on that front, but fun nonetheless), then to the bookstore to mull around to find books to read, then to the grocery store, and then back to my place to hang out with the dog and made dinner and watched TV on the couch most of the night.

The person I went on this date with?
Myself.

That's right, I spent the day with me, myself, and I.

I've been taking the advice of a dear friend and taking time to myself to just be alone and enjoy my own company. It's different than going out to run errands or have something predetermined...it's a spontaneous decision to "go out" with myself.

I've already gone to movies alone...or go to a sit down place to eat alone...but my thought process throughout those events have been "I'm eating/watching a movie/whatever...alone". I took a different approach to how I did this.

I got completely ready: picked out a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup, and whatever else I would normally do to prepare for a night out. I wanted to go into this like I would if I were to go out on a date with someone.

It was a great day/night. I had it in my head while I was out doing these random things (which weren't really errands because I didn't have to do them) that I wasn't alone. When I got back to my place, I prepared a steak dinner complete with sides...something I would serve to someone else. And then I watched movies and TV shows that I would normally watch with someone else.

It sounds weird to some people, but I'll be taking myself out on dates more often. There's just something completely satisfying about enjoying your own company, feeling completely comfortable with someone (especially when it's yourself), and having a good time without relying on someone else to do anything to contribute to that good time...everything that most people would want from a good date.

I'm definitely not saying that I'm giving up on dating, obviously. I'm normally my own worst critic, but last night I let all of that go and just enjoyed what the day had to bring.

And sometimes, that's all someone needs: to be around someone who loves them more than anything. And I know that the only person in my life that I can trust to do that is myself.

On Letting Go

When is it time to finally cut the cords and let someone go?  I'm sure everyone's heard of the saying "If you love something, set it free...and if it comes back to you, then it's yours", right? How much truth is in that, really?

Do we hold on to people and things, no matter how toxic, in our lives because we develop too much of an emotional attachment to them? I think we do. I know that I do on so many levels.

If you thought this was going to be an entry about learning how to let go, think again. I'm just as lost as everyone else when it comes to asking one's self, "when do you just say 'fuck it' and move on?"

I still think about The Man With The Broken Watch. Constantly.
But should I just move on? He says he realizes he's messed up, but I feel like I've heard it all before...with the same outcome: nothing. Well, nothing and the feeling of not having whatever it is he's looking for.
Yes, we're talking semi-regularly again. But I'm not sure if it's going to end up in anything, I doubt I can ever be sure of that. I've voiced some concerns about an "us", and I don't know if it's as simple as figuring out if it's worth a try. I'm so scared. But when I look into his eyes, I feel like every worry I have just seems to melt away. I don't know if it's just that silly swoony feeling to mask the fear, or if it's real...if it really is worth facing all of my fears head on. Or should I just let it go?

Also, I've decided to let go of this crush that I have had on this guy I work with. I've pretty much decided that I will not taint my life with any sordid work romances. Not that it's ever been really bad that I've dated a couple of guys that I've worked with, but I was pretty much just admiring him from afar, too scared to say anything. And I doubt that he feels the same way. He may just be a little too old-fashioned for me, I've decided. I like people with a modern spin on life.

My latest ex, the third great love of my life, and I have been talking/texting again recently. When he moved back home to the other side of the country, I realized that I may have made a mistake on letting him go. I kicked myself over and over again and played the scenario in my head over and over again. No regrets, not a mistake...but boy, did I miss him. I still kind of miss him, but I think that I've let go of our past enough to just be friends and be able to talk about life and love. He was, first and foremost, one of my best friends. After all, he knows more about me than almost anyone else. He moved on when he moved away- he soon had a new girlfriend and I realized that I had a tinge of jealousy...but it wasn't really because I wanted him back...it was because he was able to find someone and I wasn't...it was more a sense of inadequacy than jealousy. I thought to myself, "If he could find love so quickly, why can't I? What's wrong with me?"

I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me (mostly, haha), it's just a waiting game. Waiting for the right person. He'll come, eventually. But right now, I can just sit back and enjoy the show...now that I'm learning to let things go.

The [Dreaded] Friend Zone

I know I've been put into the friend zone by several potential love interests, and I'm totally okay with that. At least there's something redeeming about me that puts me in at least the friend category. Well, I hope.

How dreaded is this friend zone to most people, though? I mean, I go with the flow and am generally okay with it. I can understand my shortcomings.  But when it comes down to it, how do normal people react to going from potential mates to being just friends (and not friends with benefits, either)?

I just went on a date (I guess) with a guy I met on eHarmony (ugh, I know...we'll get to that another time) a month or so ago. We met up for coffee one day and he expressed his attraction to me after we parted ways through text. I didn't really find him physically attractive, but he was genuinely a nice person and a hard worker...things I generally like in a person. But there was no real chemistry (thanks, eHarmony). I need to feel that "click" and it just wasn't there. I agreed to go out with him again tonight. We both just had our birthdays and thought it would be nice to go out for dinner and a movie and hang out. And don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but the click wasn't there and as the night wore on, I found a few things annoying. I probably wouldn't find them annoying as a friend, people do and say random things, but as a potential partner...this guy would kill me slowly from the inside out.

Herein lies the friend zone. I probably wouldn't mind hanging out with him as a friend, nothing more, but I know that he would probably want something more. I don't want to lead the poor guy on, but how does someone get into the friend zone without it being awkward? I can only imagine that it would be awkward no matter what.

Why is dating so damn difficult?!?

Epic Fail

So this whole "A.S. on the prowl" challenge I've given myself has turned out to be one of epic failure. I was off yesterday and what did I do? Mostly laying in bed, in and out of consciousness, watching Netflix on my laptop.

*facepalm*

What am I ever going to do with myself?

I should have ventured out somewhere just to be out of the house and maybe check out eye-candy, but I didn't. I'm that socially stupid. All the booksmarts in the world couldn't help me there.

It doesn't help that today wasn't the best of days. From the second I turned into the parking lot of work, it was destined to be a failure of a day.
It's a good thing I have a strong will and great ethics behind me, not to mention a best friend willing to roll out of bed and come over with a movie and greasy food and wine.

One day, I won't be scared. And one day, if I try hard enough, I'll get everything I want in life.