For the past month, I was in pursuit of this guy I met online who lives in Kentucky. I took the leap of faith and went on vacation to visit him in Kentucky.
He's a wonderful, caring guy, and before I came out there, he was perfect. That's the thing about not meeting someone in the flesh: you never know what little intricacies come up that you're not prepared for. Physically, he was everything I thought he'd be. But once I got down to the finer details of his life, the more I questioned myself and my decision. A couple of weeks after I came home and stopped reeling from the rush of attention I got from him, I realized that he was great on paper, but he's not the guy I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I was not ready to make even the small sacrifices for him (like sacrificing a little bit of sleep so that I'd be able to talk to him on the phone when he got off of work, or just making the time to text him a little more often like I used to), and that wasn't fair to him.
I realize that I just pulled the same excuse that The Man With The Broken Watch gave me, I could do better than that excuse, but there is a certain validity to it.
It makes me wonder, though, is everyone great on paper until you get to know the real them?
In that case, does that mean I'm just too picky or that I know what I want and am not willing to sacrifice? Maybe a little of both? Definitely a little of both.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Leap of Faith
Online dating.
That's probably one of the most daunting phrases that I've ever heard.
I've joined a couple of free dating sites with no luck at all, so I decided to take the jump into paying for it: I joined eHarmony. It kind of guided me through online dating and getting a feel for people that they've decided would be a good match for me.
I met a few people through this site (most of them who don't live in Vegas), and one of them I went on a couple of dates with...but no spark. None whatsoever. Good job, eHarmony.
After that experience and the recent conversation I had with The Man With The Broken Watch, I wanted to give up on dating...I just felt so defeated, kicked while I was down.
Then I received an email from eHarmony saying that a match requested communication with me through eHarmony mail. Sure, why not? I'm glad I decided to read it, though. I was amused and intrigued all at the same time. This guy was pretty cute and geeky...I'm definitely curious. We exchanged actual email addresses and eventually exchanged phone numbers. We've been texting and calling back and forth for a few days now. I have the most refreshing conversations with this guy. I haven't felt like this in a long time.
Over the past week, I've had the best conversations with this guy...I mean, ridiculous connection here.
There's always, always a "but" though.
He lives in Louisville, KY.
Really?
Of course this guy that I feel this instant click with over text and over phone conversations lives ridiculously far. I mean, why would life just throw me a bone? Pfft, it would be too easy.
Something this good can't be left behind. At least not until I learn a little more, right? It's worth looking into...right?
If there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that nothing in life worth having is ever really easy.
Am I willing to make this work? Hmmm.
I'm sure willing to try it out.
I am willing to take that leap of faith.
Bring it on.
That's probably one of the most daunting phrases that I've ever heard.
I've joined a couple of free dating sites with no luck at all, so I decided to take the jump into paying for it: I joined eHarmony. It kind of guided me through online dating and getting a feel for people that they've decided would be a good match for me.
I met a few people through this site (most of them who don't live in Vegas), and one of them I went on a couple of dates with...but no spark. None whatsoever. Good job, eHarmony.
After that experience and the recent conversation I had with The Man With The Broken Watch, I wanted to give up on dating...I just felt so defeated, kicked while I was down.
Then I received an email from eHarmony saying that a match requested communication with me through eHarmony mail. Sure, why not? I'm glad I decided to read it, though. I was amused and intrigued all at the same time. This guy was pretty cute and geeky...I'm definitely curious. We exchanged actual email addresses and eventually exchanged phone numbers. We've been texting and calling back and forth for a few days now. I have the most refreshing conversations with this guy. I haven't felt like this in a long time.
Over the past week, I've had the best conversations with this guy...I mean, ridiculous connection here.
There's always, always a "but" though.
He lives in Louisville, KY.
Really?
Of course this guy that I feel this instant click with over text and over phone conversations lives ridiculously far. I mean, why would life just throw me a bone? Pfft, it would be too easy.
Something this good can't be left behind. At least not until I learn a little more, right? It's worth looking into...right?
If there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that nothing in life worth having is ever really easy.
Am I willing to make this work? Hmmm.
I'm sure willing to try it out.
I am willing to take that leap of faith.
Bring it on.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Book of Life
Ever since I was a little girl, I've envisioned life as a book that you're constantly writing. And when you die, that book ends.
I continue to hope that when my book ends, my stories get retold over and over again so that I never die. At least not for a while.
Last night, a chapter in my book of life ended. It was a chapter that I was hoping to continue writing, but for the sake of those involved, it had to end...at least in the sense that it was intended to be written. I'm slightly heartbroken about it, but for as long as I am still alive, I must continue writing.
The Man With The Broken Watch and I had a very real, fairly serious, and much needed conversation last night. Granted, it was probably the worst conversation to have right after having watched a certain movie, as my emotions were already reeling, but it needed to happen sometime. Our watches were telling us that it was finally time to let go. It really was unfair to us both that I'm not able to let go of our past right now. Hopefully one day I'll learn to let all of that go...for my own sake...so that I could love someone without condition or fear, so that I could be loved without condition or fear. And because I couldn't let go, I couldn't let him in, at least not in the way I should have and could have. And because I couldn't let him in, I couldn't possibly be the one...the one that he woke up thinking about, the one he couldn't get out of his head, the one that encompassed every beautiful thought in his mind. And that's okay. I accept that.
I'm not saying that I wasn't upset by it. I wanted to see if it would work, but I was so ruled with fear...and that's just not fair to anyone. It hurt a little, but I don't blame him at all. It was mutual, it all made sense, but it still stings a little. We are, first and foremost, friends. And over the past couple of months, we have grown together as friends and will continue to do so. I think that knowing that I'm not writing that chapter anymore makes it harder to accept, but that feeling will go away once I pick up the pen and start writing for myself again.
It was a chapter in my life that was probably unnecessarily drawn out for far too long, but I'm glad that it panned out the way that it did. You love, you lose, and you move on.
And to you, sir, I am glad that we're moving forward...and with each other in our lives. You're watch isn't shattered, but had merely stopped, nothing that couldn't be fixed with time and care. You'll find someone someday that will care enough. You're totally worth it.
So what do you do when a chapter in your life ends?
Continue writing the rest of it...and make every chapter just as beautiful, thoughtful, and meaningful as the last.
I continue to hope that when my book ends, my stories get retold over and over again so that I never die. At least not for a while.
Last night, a chapter in my book of life ended. It was a chapter that I was hoping to continue writing, but for the sake of those involved, it had to end...at least in the sense that it was intended to be written. I'm slightly heartbroken about it, but for as long as I am still alive, I must continue writing.
The Man With The Broken Watch and I had a very real, fairly serious, and much needed conversation last night. Granted, it was probably the worst conversation to have right after having watched a certain movie, as my emotions were already reeling, but it needed to happen sometime. Our watches were telling us that it was finally time to let go. It really was unfair to us both that I'm not able to let go of our past right now. Hopefully one day I'll learn to let all of that go...for my own sake...so that I could love someone without condition or fear, so that I could be loved without condition or fear. And because I couldn't let go, I couldn't let him in, at least not in the way I should have and could have. And because I couldn't let him in, I couldn't possibly be the one...the one that he woke up thinking about, the one he couldn't get out of his head, the one that encompassed every beautiful thought in his mind. And that's okay. I accept that.
I'm not saying that I wasn't upset by it. I wanted to see if it would work, but I was so ruled with fear...and that's just not fair to anyone. It hurt a little, but I don't blame him at all. It was mutual, it all made sense, but it still stings a little. We are, first and foremost, friends. And over the past couple of months, we have grown together as friends and will continue to do so. I think that knowing that I'm not writing that chapter anymore makes it harder to accept, but that feeling will go away once I pick up the pen and start writing for myself again.
It was a chapter in my life that was probably unnecessarily drawn out for far too long, but I'm glad that it panned out the way that it did. You love, you lose, and you move on.
And to you, sir, I am glad that we're moving forward...and with each other in our lives. You're watch isn't shattered, but had merely stopped, nothing that couldn't be fixed with time and care. You'll find someone someday that will care enough. You're totally worth it.
So what do you do when a chapter in your life ends?
Continue writing the rest of it...and make every chapter just as beautiful, thoughtful, and meaningful as the last.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Best Date of My Life
Yesterday, I had he best date of my life. This person was funny, considerate, witty, and just pretty great in general.
Went out to Best Buy to hang around and try to find a movie to buy to watch (no luck on that front, but fun nonetheless), then to the bookstore to mull around to find books to read, then to the grocery store, and then back to my place to hang out with the dog and made dinner and watched TV on the couch most of the night.
The person I went on this date with?
Myself.
That's right, I spent the day with me, myself, and I.
I've been taking the advice of a dear friend and taking time to myself to just be alone and enjoy my own company. It's different than going out to run errands or have something predetermined...it's a spontaneous decision to "go out" with myself.
I've already gone to movies alone...or go to a sit down place to eat alone...but my thought process throughout those events have been "I'm eating/watching a movie/whatever...alone". I took a different approach to how I did this.
I got completely ready: picked out a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup, and whatever else I would normally do to prepare for a night out. I wanted to go into this like I would if I were to go out on a date with someone.
It was a great day/night. I had it in my head while I was out doing these random things (which weren't really errands because I didn't have to do them) that I wasn't alone. When I got back to my place, I prepared a steak dinner complete with sides...something I would serve to someone else. And then I watched movies and TV shows that I would normally watch with someone else.
It sounds weird to some people, but I'll be taking myself out on dates more often. There's just something completely satisfying about enjoying your own company, feeling completely comfortable with someone (especially when it's yourself), and having a good time without relying on someone else to do anything to contribute to that good time...everything that most people would want from a good date.
I'm definitely not saying that I'm giving up on dating, obviously. I'm normally my own worst critic, but last night I let all of that go and just enjoyed what the day had to bring.
And sometimes, that's all someone needs: to be around someone who loves them more than anything. And I know that the only person in my life that I can trust to do that is myself.
Went out to Best Buy to hang around and try to find a movie to buy to watch (no luck on that front, but fun nonetheless), then to the bookstore to mull around to find books to read, then to the grocery store, and then back to my place to hang out with the dog and made dinner and watched TV on the couch most of the night.
The person I went on this date with?
Myself.
That's right, I spent the day with me, myself, and I.
I've been taking the advice of a dear friend and taking time to myself to just be alone and enjoy my own company. It's different than going out to run errands or have something predetermined...it's a spontaneous decision to "go out" with myself.
I've already gone to movies alone...or go to a sit down place to eat alone...but my thought process throughout those events have been "I'm eating/watching a movie/whatever...alone". I took a different approach to how I did this.
I got completely ready: picked out a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup, and whatever else I would normally do to prepare for a night out. I wanted to go into this like I would if I were to go out on a date with someone.
It was a great day/night. I had it in my head while I was out doing these random things (which weren't really errands because I didn't have to do them) that I wasn't alone. When I got back to my place, I prepared a steak dinner complete with sides...something I would serve to someone else. And then I watched movies and TV shows that I would normally watch with someone else.
It sounds weird to some people, but I'll be taking myself out on dates more often. There's just something completely satisfying about enjoying your own company, feeling completely comfortable with someone (especially when it's yourself), and having a good time without relying on someone else to do anything to contribute to that good time...everything that most people would want from a good date.
I'm definitely not saying that I'm giving up on dating, obviously. I'm normally my own worst critic, but last night I let all of that go and just enjoyed what the day had to bring.
And sometimes, that's all someone needs: to be around someone who loves them more than anything. And I know that the only person in my life that I can trust to do that is myself.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
On Letting Go
When is it time to finally cut the cords and let someone go? I'm sure everyone's heard of the saying "If you love something, set it free...and if it comes back to you, then it's yours", right? How much truth is in that, really?
Do we hold on to people and things, no matter how toxic, in our lives because we develop too much of an emotional attachment to them? I think we do. I know that I do on so many levels.
If you thought this was going to be an entry about learning how to let go, think again. I'm just as lost as everyone else when it comes to asking one's self, "when do you just say 'fuck it' and move on?"
I still think about The Man With The Broken Watch. Constantly.
But should I just move on? He says he realizes he's messed up, but I feel like I've heard it all before...with the same outcome: nothing. Well, nothing and the feeling of not having whatever it is he's looking for.
Yes, we're talking semi-regularly again. But I'm not sure if it's going to end up in anything, I doubt I can ever be sure of that. I've voiced some concerns about an "us", and I don't know if it's as simple as figuring out if it's worth a try. I'm so scared. But when I look into his eyes, I feel like every worry I have just seems to melt away. I don't know if it's just that silly swoony feeling to mask the fear, or if it's real...if it really is worth facing all of my fears head on. Or should I just let it go?
Also, I've decided to let go of this crush that I have had on this guy I work with. I've pretty much decided that I will not taint my life with any sordid work romances. Not that it's ever been really bad that I've dated a couple of guys that I've worked with, but I was pretty much just admiring him from afar, too scared to say anything. And I doubt that he feels the same way. He may just be a little too old-fashioned for me, I've decided. I like people with a modern spin on life.
My latest ex, the third great love of my life, and I have been talking/texting again recently. When he moved back home to the other side of the country, I realized that I may have made a mistake on letting him go. I kicked myself over and over again and played the scenario in my head over and over again. No regrets, not a mistake...but boy, did I miss him. I still kind of miss him, but I think that I've let go of our past enough to just be friends and be able to talk about life and love. He was, first and foremost, one of my best friends. After all, he knows more about me than almost anyone else. He moved on when he moved away- he soon had a new girlfriend and I realized that I had a tinge of jealousy...but it wasn't really because I wanted him back...it was because he was able to find someone and I wasn't...it was more a sense of inadequacy than jealousy. I thought to myself, "If he could find love so quickly, why can't I? What's wrong with me?"
I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me (mostly, haha), it's just a waiting game. Waiting for the right person. He'll come, eventually. But right now, I can just sit back and enjoy the show...now that I'm learning to let things go.
Do we hold on to people and things, no matter how toxic, in our lives because we develop too much of an emotional attachment to them? I think we do. I know that I do on so many levels.
If you thought this was going to be an entry about learning how to let go, think again. I'm just as lost as everyone else when it comes to asking one's self, "when do you just say 'fuck it' and move on?"
I still think about The Man With The Broken Watch. Constantly.
But should I just move on? He says he realizes he's messed up, but I feel like I've heard it all before...with the same outcome: nothing. Well, nothing and the feeling of not having whatever it is he's looking for.
Yes, we're talking semi-regularly again. But I'm not sure if it's going to end up in anything, I doubt I can ever be sure of that. I've voiced some concerns about an "us", and I don't know if it's as simple as figuring out if it's worth a try. I'm so scared. But when I look into his eyes, I feel like every worry I have just seems to melt away. I don't know if it's just that silly swoony feeling to mask the fear, or if it's real...if it really is worth facing all of my fears head on. Or should I just let it go?
Also, I've decided to let go of this crush that I have had on this guy I work with. I've pretty much decided that I will not taint my life with any sordid work romances. Not that it's ever been really bad that I've dated a couple of guys that I've worked with, but I was pretty much just admiring him from afar, too scared to say anything. And I doubt that he feels the same way. He may just be a little too old-fashioned for me, I've decided. I like people with a modern spin on life.
My latest ex, the third great love of my life, and I have been talking/texting again recently. When he moved back home to the other side of the country, I realized that I may have made a mistake on letting him go. I kicked myself over and over again and played the scenario in my head over and over again. No regrets, not a mistake...but boy, did I miss him. I still kind of miss him, but I think that I've let go of our past enough to just be friends and be able to talk about life and love. He was, first and foremost, one of my best friends. After all, he knows more about me than almost anyone else. He moved on when he moved away- he soon had a new girlfriend and I realized that I had a tinge of jealousy...but it wasn't really because I wanted him back...it was because he was able to find someone and I wasn't...it was more a sense of inadequacy than jealousy. I thought to myself, "If he could find love so quickly, why can't I? What's wrong with me?"
I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me (mostly, haha), it's just a waiting game. Waiting for the right person. He'll come, eventually. But right now, I can just sit back and enjoy the show...now that I'm learning to let things go.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The [Dreaded] Friend Zone
I know I've been put into the friend zone by several potential love interests, and I'm totally okay with that. At least there's something redeeming about me that puts me in at least the friend category. Well, I hope.
How dreaded is this friend zone to most people, though? I mean, I go with the flow and am generally okay with it. I can understand my shortcomings. But when it comes down to it, how do normal people react to going from potential mates to being just friends (and not friends with benefits, either)?
I just went on a date (I guess) with a guy I met on eHarmony (ugh, I know...we'll get to that another time) a month or so ago. We met up for coffee one day and he expressed his attraction to me after we parted ways through text. I didn't really find him physically attractive, but he was genuinely a nice person and a hard worker...things I generally like in a person. But there was no real chemistry (thanks, eHarmony). I need to feel that "click" and it just wasn't there. I agreed to go out with him again tonight. We both just had our birthdays and thought it would be nice to go out for dinner and a movie and hang out. And don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but the click wasn't there and as the night wore on, I found a few things annoying. I probably wouldn't find them annoying as a friend, people do and say random things, but as a potential partner...this guy would kill me slowly from the inside out.
Herein lies the friend zone. I probably wouldn't mind hanging out with him as a friend, nothing more, but I know that he would probably want something more. I don't want to lead the poor guy on, but how does someone get into the friend zone without it being awkward? I can only imagine that it would be awkward no matter what.
Why is dating so damn difficult?!?
How dreaded is this friend zone to most people, though? I mean, I go with the flow and am generally okay with it. I can understand my shortcomings. But when it comes down to it, how do normal people react to going from potential mates to being just friends (and not friends with benefits, either)?
I just went on a date (I guess) with a guy I met on eHarmony (ugh, I know...we'll get to that another time) a month or so ago. We met up for coffee one day and he expressed his attraction to me after we parted ways through text. I didn't really find him physically attractive, but he was genuinely a nice person and a hard worker...things I generally like in a person. But there was no real chemistry (thanks, eHarmony). I need to feel that "click" and it just wasn't there. I agreed to go out with him again tonight. We both just had our birthdays and thought it would be nice to go out for dinner and a movie and hang out. And don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but the click wasn't there and as the night wore on, I found a few things annoying. I probably wouldn't find them annoying as a friend, people do and say random things, but as a potential partner...this guy would kill me slowly from the inside out.
Herein lies the friend zone. I probably wouldn't mind hanging out with him as a friend, nothing more, but I know that he would probably want something more. I don't want to lead the poor guy on, but how does someone get into the friend zone without it being awkward? I can only imagine that it would be awkward no matter what.
Why is dating so damn difficult?!?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Epic Fail
So this whole "A.S. on the prowl" challenge I've given myself has turned out to be one of epic failure. I was off yesterday and what did I do? Mostly laying in bed, in and out of consciousness, watching Netflix on my laptop.
*facepalm*
What am I ever going to do with myself?
I should have ventured out somewhere just to be out of the house and maybe check out eye-candy, but I didn't. I'm that socially stupid. All the booksmarts in the world couldn't help me there.
It doesn't help that today wasn't the best of days. From the second I turned into the parking lot of work, it was destined to be a failure of a day.
It's a good thing I have a strong will and great ethics behind me, not to mention a best friend willing to roll out of bed and come over with a movie and greasy food and wine.
One day, I won't be scared. And one day, if I try hard enough, I'll get everything I want in life.
*facepalm*
What am I ever going to do with myself?
I should have ventured out somewhere just to be out of the house and maybe check out eye-candy, but I didn't. I'm that socially stupid. All the booksmarts in the world couldn't help me there.
It doesn't help that today wasn't the best of days. From the second I turned into the parking lot of work, it was destined to be a failure of a day.
It's a good thing I have a strong will and great ethics behind me, not to mention a best friend willing to roll out of bed and come over with a movie and greasy food and wine.
One day, I won't be scared. And one day, if I try hard enough, I'll get everything I want in life.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Where Does The Love Go?
No matter how many great loves you have in your life, if you've had more than one, you've had to let the past ones go (whether or not it was mutual, peaceful, or the complete opposite). So that raises my question: Where does the love go?
I've had a few great loves in my dating life.
I have let so many people in and loved so much...but I'm talking about great loves- the ones that I thought I couldn't live without, the ones that I still think of fondly, even if they broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces that I had to spend what seemed like forever picking up. Where did all that love and devotion go?
Maybe a story for clarification. Or just for the sake of telling a story...
My first great love I met when I was in my late teens, maybe at twenty...the kicker is that we never dated. I was actually in another relationship when I realized that I had feelings for, well, we'll call him The Man With the Broken Watch. We had this mutual attraction to each other and I've been thinking of him ever since. There were times where he and I got close to dating exclusively, very close, but it never happened. We had gone on dates, had our random hanging out moments, but either the timing wasn't right or...something. There was always something. But I really was in love with him at some point, I still love him, and I still think fondly of him but I don't think anything would happen between us again. I'm over the waiting and the confusion, I think it just saddens me to wait and I'm just scared of what may happen if I opened up to him again. And maybe we're just too passive for each other. That love, though, where did it go? I wholeheartedly believe that it has manifested itself into a kind of love and affection as one would have for a dear friend. I mean, if he were to want to have lunch one day, I'd go and carry with me the memories of that great, albeit unsatisfied, love we had over the years. Anything beyond that? It scares me a little to think about it.
Does it make a little more sense now?
I have had two great loves since then, at ages 22 and 24, both actual relationships, and both equally as heartbreaking. The first was definitely unexpected and he hurt me beyond any hurt I had ever felt before. I can still recall the day it happened like it was yesterday. But through all the hurt, I still talk to him and I still want him in my life. I remind myself every day why we didn't and will never work out, but I still remember the love that we shared. My last great love actually ended just a little over six months ago. Everything seemed perfect and beautiful, and I believe that it could have stayed that way. I broke up with him because I expected a little too much. I don't regret it, but I definitely felt bad about it. And no matter what he's doing right now or where he is, I will always remember him and I will always remember the smile he put on my face. Both of these guys I pictured spending the rest of my life with, couldn't even fathom where I would be without them at the time, but there are some things that just aren't meant to be.
Where did all that love go?
It's a good question. It's my question. But I don't really know the answer. Like I said, it could have manifested itself into another kind of love and affection. I might subconsciously just be repressing it. I don't really know. But what I do know...that love doesn't just go away.
These men in my life will always have a special place in my heart.
And in the end, that's what makes them great loves.
I've had a few great loves in my dating life.
I have let so many people in and loved so much...but I'm talking about great loves- the ones that I thought I couldn't live without, the ones that I still think of fondly, even if they broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces that I had to spend what seemed like forever picking up. Where did all that love and devotion go?
Maybe a story for clarification. Or just for the sake of telling a story...
My first great love I met when I was in my late teens, maybe at twenty...the kicker is that we never dated. I was actually in another relationship when I realized that I had feelings for, well, we'll call him The Man With the Broken Watch. We had this mutual attraction to each other and I've been thinking of him ever since. There were times where he and I got close to dating exclusively, very close, but it never happened. We had gone on dates, had our random hanging out moments, but either the timing wasn't right or...something. There was always something. But I really was in love with him at some point, I still love him, and I still think fondly of him but I don't think anything would happen between us again. I'm over the waiting and the confusion, I think it just saddens me to wait and I'm just scared of what may happen if I opened up to him again. And maybe we're just too passive for each other. That love, though, where did it go? I wholeheartedly believe that it has manifested itself into a kind of love and affection as one would have for a dear friend. I mean, if he were to want to have lunch one day, I'd go and carry with me the memories of that great, albeit unsatisfied, love we had over the years. Anything beyond that? It scares me a little to think about it.
Does it make a little more sense now?
I have had two great loves since then, at ages 22 and 24, both actual relationships, and both equally as heartbreaking. The first was definitely unexpected and he hurt me beyond any hurt I had ever felt before. I can still recall the day it happened like it was yesterday. But through all the hurt, I still talk to him and I still want him in my life. I remind myself every day why we didn't and will never work out, but I still remember the love that we shared. My last great love actually ended just a little over six months ago. Everything seemed perfect and beautiful, and I believe that it could have stayed that way. I broke up with him because I expected a little too much. I don't regret it, but I definitely felt bad about it. And no matter what he's doing right now or where he is, I will always remember him and I will always remember the smile he put on my face. Both of these guys I pictured spending the rest of my life with, couldn't even fathom where I would be without them at the time, but there are some things that just aren't meant to be.
Where did all that love go?
It's a good question. It's my question. But I don't really know the answer. Like I said, it could have manifested itself into another kind of love and affection. I might subconsciously just be repressing it. I don't really know. But what I do know...that love doesn't just go away.
These men in my life will always have a special place in my heart.
And in the end, that's what makes them great loves.
Monday, August 16, 2010
What Are You Looking At?
One fine day in 2008, I was actually home in Las Vegas and not traveling extensively or working some ridiculous overnight shift. Great feeling. I decided to go to a bookstore and get some coffee and look through some medical books. Yes, I'm that nerd.
Everything was fine and dandy and I spotted someone rather fine and dandy. Being the shy girl, I naturally didn't say hi or anything, so instead I stuck my head into a pile of anatomy books. I knocked something over and nearly spilled my latte everywhere (thank goodness I didn't, I was not financially prepared to pay for $150 of coffee-damaged books) and he came up and helped me pick the books up. We actually talked, exchanged names, had a laugh, and within 10 minutes, I had a phone number and so did he. Great. What the hell do I do with that?
For a couple of days, we texted each other back and forth with small talk and witty remarks. He asked me out on a real date...dinner. Oh dear Lord, really? This would be the first real date I would have in months. I accepted and we met up at a cafe later that night. He was just as cute as I had remembered.
We were seated and had ordered and the real conversation began. I have a habit of looking past the person I am talking to or off to the side when I don't know them too well. Eye contact freaks me out sometimes. I know, I'm weird, we got that. But that's what I did was look away or kind of stare off to the side most of the time we talked. A few minutes into our conversation, he noticed what I was doing and he asked, "Does my glass eye make you uncomfortable?" I'm sorry, excuse me, whaaaaat??? I had no idea. Well, no idea until you told me! So the rest of the night was awkward for me because all I could think of was his glass eye. We ate, talked, and ended the night with a walk to my car and a hug. Sweet guy.
Look, I'm not an excessively shallow person, so it's not his physical appearance or the fact that he had a glass eye that turned me off. And his personality was great. He was funny and smart and witty...a winner if I ever saw one. It was me that ruined it. My dirty mind and my presumptions and my stupid imagination. All I could think about at this point after the discovery of the glass eye was, "What if we have sex and his eye pops out?" Yes, there's something seriously wrong with me.
We continued to text back and forth, but never went on another date. And that wasn't really all my fault or choice. I probably would have gone on another date with him, maybe that would have eased the eye thing...but alas, work decided it was going to put me on pretty much a month and a half of straight overnight shifts. But I guess if I really wanted it to work, I would have...but I doubt it changes the fact that something was seriously wrong with me to think of that.
It doesn't help that my friends think like I do. A year and a half later, I told my best friend Silvia about this guy. She said pretty much the exact same thing I thought. When she confirmed that thought, I decided that I will probably never meet a normal person ever again as punishment...and so far, that's holding true.
Everything was fine and dandy and I spotted someone rather fine and dandy. Being the shy girl, I naturally didn't say hi or anything, so instead I stuck my head into a pile of anatomy books. I knocked something over and nearly spilled my latte everywhere (thank goodness I didn't, I was not financially prepared to pay for $150 of coffee-damaged books) and he came up and helped me pick the books up. We actually talked, exchanged names, had a laugh, and within 10 minutes, I had a phone number and so did he. Great. What the hell do I do with that?
For a couple of days, we texted each other back and forth with small talk and witty remarks. He asked me out on a real date...dinner. Oh dear Lord, really? This would be the first real date I would have in months. I accepted and we met up at a cafe later that night. He was just as cute as I had remembered.
We were seated and had ordered and the real conversation began. I have a habit of looking past the person I am talking to or off to the side when I don't know them too well. Eye contact freaks me out sometimes. I know, I'm weird, we got that. But that's what I did was look away or kind of stare off to the side most of the time we talked. A few minutes into our conversation, he noticed what I was doing and he asked, "Does my glass eye make you uncomfortable?" I'm sorry, excuse me, whaaaaat??? I had no idea. Well, no idea until you told me! So the rest of the night was awkward for me because all I could think of was his glass eye. We ate, talked, and ended the night with a walk to my car and a hug. Sweet guy.
Look, I'm not an excessively shallow person, so it's not his physical appearance or the fact that he had a glass eye that turned me off. And his personality was great. He was funny and smart and witty...a winner if I ever saw one. It was me that ruined it. My dirty mind and my presumptions and my stupid imagination. All I could think about at this point after the discovery of the glass eye was, "What if we have sex and his eye pops out?" Yes, there's something seriously wrong with me.
We continued to text back and forth, but never went on another date. And that wasn't really all my fault or choice. I probably would have gone on another date with him, maybe that would have eased the eye thing...but alas, work decided it was going to put me on pretty much a month and a half of straight overnight shifts. But I guess if I really wanted it to work, I would have...but I doubt it changes the fact that something was seriously wrong with me to think of that.
It doesn't help that my friends think like I do. A year and a half later, I told my best friend Silvia about this guy. She said pretty much the exact same thing I thought. When she confirmed that thought, I decided that I will probably never meet a normal person ever again as punishment...and so far, that's holding true.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
So last night, while my friends were either at 80s Night all the way across town or sleeping, I decided to run an errand and then go to a bar...alone. It was probably the scariest social experience of my life. I had never flown solo into a bar and now I know why.
It wasn't a bad bar. In fact, I had been there before. It wasn't particularly busy, but just wasn't something right about it. I may have spent only an hour there, sitting, drinking, talking to the bartender...but it felt like an eternity and I just wanted it to end. So it ended. Nothing awesome or spectacular, as the neighborhood bar usually is not so super awesome and spectacular. I think it was just the fact that I'm in my mid-20s and I was drinking alone at a bar whose few occupants other than the bartender could have easily been my father's age. Maybe I do need someone by my side to show me the way...
It wasn't a bad bar. In fact, I had been there before. It wasn't particularly busy, but just wasn't something right about it. I may have spent only an hour there, sitting, drinking, talking to the bartender...but it felt like an eternity and I just wanted it to end. So it ended. Nothing awesome or spectacular, as the neighborhood bar usually is not so super awesome and spectacular. I think it was just the fact that I'm in my mid-20s and I was drinking alone at a bar whose few occupants other than the bartender could have easily been my father's age. Maybe I do need someone by my side to show me the way...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Intro.
Is it possible to meet the love of your life, your soulmate even, in a city that's known for having no soul?
I'm almost 26 years old, and right now, I don't think it's possible. Is it because I'm too cynical? Maybe. Too socially awkward? Meh. Too freakin' awesome? Well, duh. Too damn picky for my own good? For sure. I don't know. But what I do know...I've gone on some dating (mis)adventures in the past few years. It's all funny...to me, anyway...now.
Seriously, I'm not the one to believe in "the one" and that's not what I'm looking for. Sure, I'd like to get married, settle down, and possibly have kids someday (although even my own mother has given up on the fact that I'll ever reproduce)...but right now, I just want to be comfortable with someone...a long-term relationship with a commitment to each other. I don't need a ring or anything like that, just some company...and maybe some sex (hey, while we're being honest here...). I do want to fall in love again; it's the best feeling in the world next to being in love. I'm one of those people who runs off of that contentedness of just being.
The catch?
I live in Las Vegas the city with, coincidentally, not only pretty bad odds of winning Megabucks, but also the worst odds of finding a halfway decent human being to interact with.
To combat my slight social anxiety and possibly find someone interesting to keep my time, I have decided to challenge myself. The challenge? Go out at least once a week on my own (no wingmen involved) to try to meet guys and possibly score a date. It seems easy enough for the normal human being, but like I said, I have a slight social anxiety and I'm shy beyond belief when it comes to new people and places.
In between these little events I will put myself through, I'll blog about some of my past dating mishaps, as I had said...they're funny (some of them really, really funny).
Let's see how this works out, if it does, shall we?
Until next time,
A.S.
I'm almost 26 years old, and right now, I don't think it's possible. Is it because I'm too cynical? Maybe. Too socially awkward? Meh. Too freakin' awesome? Well, duh. Too damn picky for my own good? For sure. I don't know. But what I do know...I've gone on some dating (mis)adventures in the past few years. It's all funny...to me, anyway...now.
Seriously, I'm not the one to believe in "the one" and that's not what I'm looking for. Sure, I'd like to get married, settle down, and possibly have kids someday (although even my own mother has given up on the fact that I'll ever reproduce)...but right now, I just want to be comfortable with someone...a long-term relationship with a commitment to each other. I don't need a ring or anything like that, just some company...and maybe some sex (hey, while we're being honest here...). I do want to fall in love again; it's the best feeling in the world next to being in love. I'm one of those people who runs off of that contentedness of just being.
The catch?
I live in Las Vegas the city with, coincidentally, not only pretty bad odds of winning Megabucks, but also the worst odds of finding a halfway decent human being to interact with.
To combat my slight social anxiety and possibly find someone interesting to keep my time, I have decided to challenge myself. The challenge? Go out at least once a week on my own (no wingmen involved) to try to meet guys and possibly score a date. It seems easy enough for the normal human being, but like I said, I have a slight social anxiety and I'm shy beyond belief when it comes to new people and places.
In between these little events I will put myself through, I'll blog about some of my past dating mishaps, as I had said...they're funny (some of them really, really funny).
Let's see how this works out, if it does, shall we?
Until next time,
A.S.
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